Is that the part of you that cuts? Is that the part of you that wants to see yourself bleed? Do you cut because you want to release something, somehow, and you don't know how? Or do you cut because you you want to show the world what a scarred and fucked up person you are inside and you want your body to reflect that? Do you want your body to carry the scars of your mind? Or do you just want to see yourself bleed because part of you think he's right, and part of you wants to die? Or is it just that you want to feel something, anything?

It's horrible when you have so much love and when you feel so special and then you feel that taken away from you. It's tragic when you actually experience what you think is love from someone who cares for you and then at some point, you're not sure when, it gets taken away from you and slowly dies and you are left with nothing but the memory. You sit there and you think about the times when you felt safe, the times when you felt loved and happy and you contrast them in your mind to how things are now and it tears you up inside. What the fuck happened to make it this way? What the fuck did you do to make things go this bad? How the fuck could you be such a disappointment that they took all that love away from you?

I agree. With all that you have learned from men what the fuck would you ever be able to see in them? Sure, you might be sexually interested in some of them, but ultimately your major role model has hurt you very badly. And we aren't talking about someone you view as a complete arsehole here - oh no, that would be easy. If you saw him as an arsehole then you could live with this. But you love him. You love him and you remember how safe he made you feel once upon a time. And it's so much harder when you love him. How could you love another man? How could you love a man knowing what they can do? How could you put your trust in a man, feel safe in his arms, never knowing when he was going to turn into a monster?

If you could just hate him, if you could just believe that he hated you, if you could just find the spite and the fire and the hatred and blame him and only him and see that he was a complete bastard then maybe you could love another man because you'd see that not all men were that way. But that's not the case. Because you know that deep down, somewhere under whatever all this shit is supposed to be, you're his little girl. Somewhere you know that he is so disappointed because you were his pride and joy. you were his baby, and he loved you so much and he saw the world in you, And now you're a faggot. You're a disappointment, and it's only because he loved you so much that he hates you so much and you know that, and you feel that too, and you only hate him so much because you love him. You want that love back that you lost and you can't have it but you still hold it dear somewhere locked up in your heart.

So you can't love a man, of course not. You might be interested, you might have some sexual feelings for them, but you can't love a man. You want the touch of a soft hand, of a loving heart, of someone who makes you feel safe and warm. You want to look into the eyes of someone who doesn't scare you, of someone who doesn't make you fear disappointment. Just for a few seconds when you look in her eyes you can feel like you're safe, like life can just go on for those few minutes that you kiss her and those few minutes that you hold her and you can be loved by her.

And you have a right to be loved. You have a heart. You have a soul. You have feelings and you have you have pain. You have a right to love, and you have a right to be loved, and to find that in any other soul that you can, regardless of the wrapping in which they come.  Ultimately what does it matter what the package is when it's the soul inside that you love? You know that better than anyone. It's the person inside that feels the love, the pain, that has to live the life, as you well know.

You are brave, You are string You have learned ot hide your fears and your feelings. You are still here now and you have lived through hell and more. You have the courage within you to survive this. You have the love inside you to heal from this one day. It isnt going to be easy. There isn't anything that can be said or done to make this go away for you. There are possibilities, there are authorities, but you would have to be very brave to use them, you would have to be willing to make the call and to put an end to his here and now. Can you do that? Can you actually make the call and put an end to this now? Because there isn't anyone who wouldn't be at your side helping you the second they knew - not professionally. Friends may not believe you, pother people may simply offer sympathy, but there are those in the world who would help you if you asked, and who have the power to do so.

But if you can't do that, then be brave like you have been. Be brave and courageous as you have shown yourself to be. And don't fear God whatever happens. God will not punish you for the courage you have shown, or for the fortitude you exhibit. God will not punish you for having a heart and for being wounded.  You may have little faith left, but cling on to what you have like you do. One day it will be over. One day it will end. You can make that day sooner, or you can wait it out, but one day you will find yourself on the other side of this abyss and you will be able to begin to heal.

Don't give up.

Posted at 6:44 pm on July 4, 2008