I was lucky in that I put in shit loads of work to my first couple of years at university and by the time it really hit me and I was essentially housebound I managed to fluke through the rest of my degree and my bad grades were mopped up  my previous good work. But all the same, I understand what you mean bout the situation because I had two years of hard work behind me and I desperately didn't want to waste it but I just couldn't get myself out of the house.

Yes, the physical symptoms are the real crux of it. What are they in your case? I mean it is so debilitating to have to suffer from the sickness, the dizziness, the sweating, the headaches and vertigo, the racing heart and the shitty feeling that they leave you with even after they pass.

With regards to going to Uni in September have you asked the university about housing possibilities? Where I went to uni they actually had houses that were designated as "quite houses" and also some other facilities and as long as you could provide them with some sort of medical evidence that you had a need then they would try to accommodate you (pardon the pun). At least ask about it if you can bring yourself to make the call or write the letter, or find someone who can. Fuck I'll call them if you tell me where you're going and enquire for you - its the least I can do after the support you've offered me. It might be fruitless, but you have nothing to lose by investigating and it might help to make that one goal seem just a little more achievable, I don't know.

Yes, I'm going to say it, you're being pessimistic. Obviously that's to be expected, but remember that you HAVE got through this before and you CAN and WILL do so again. Your goals may seem difficult to achieve right now given your current situation but you can do this and you should try not to have any expectations regarding how long you think it will take. The more you create those expectations the more you are defining for yourself a duration for which you will suffer.

How old are you? I'm guessing your around 18 if you're off to Uni. This doesn't have to be the way your life will always go. I know you say that you think you will always have to put up with the ups and downs of this condition and that you will always fall down this hard and have to pull yourself up again but that need not necessarily be the case. You are still incredibly young and you have the potential to undo the condition you find yourself in over the years with the sort of effort you have already demonstrated you are willing to invest and which I am sure you will invest again.

I know that you feel very bleak right now and you see only the hard work ahead of you but that hard work need no be as futile as you think. It may take years but you have a lot of profound changes still to face in your life and particularly over the next ten years you will have a lot of opportunities to reaffirm the positive actions that you undertake and the achievements that you make despite your illness. During those ten years your brain and body will continue to mature - after all at 18 you are not fully physically mature yet - and you will go through stages of your life that will necessitate that you adapt and respond to them.

If you can address those challenges as you have clearly addressed challenges in the past with determination and an armoury of coping mechanisms and insurance procedures then you can make a more positive effect upon your future so that your life is not doomed to follow this pattern year in year out.

You put yourself down a lot in that post. You call yourself a wimp, a dick and you refer to other people as normal. You know as well as I do how destructive that sort of self-talk is and that you need to give yourself more allowances. Beating yourself up will not help you one iota. It won't help to get you out of a panic, it won't help you feel better about what you have to do. You're not a dick. You're a great person who is very frustrated because they are suffering from an insidious and sometimes suffocating illness that antagonises your goals and desires.

I understand where you are comign from regarding wanting to be normal and not being able to function, but again that is something that can change with time and training. I'm assuming you already know about cognitive behavioural therapy as you talk about knowing what you have to do and about having received help in the past. Cognitive Behavioural therapy might be something that you have to apply for years if you want to overcome this condition, but you can do it and it can be successful. You really do just have to focus so hard on training yourself, building yourself up and learning how to pull yourself out of these ruts. It is HARD AS HELL, I know, but it is NOT futile. Every time you do it you are training yourself again in the process that is required and as you continue to do it you will continue to create behaviours and patterns that will support you next time you fall.

I know nothing I say can make this any better for you and I know you are in one hell of a difficult place right now. I know that all the advocacy in the world doesn't help you get off your arse and put in what seems like Herculean effort to pull yourself up. But you've done it before, you know you can do it again, and you can egt through this, one episode at a time.

Part of the reason I suspect you're panicking is because you are seeing this as a life problem and you are not focussing on it on a day to day basis. Try and remember that although you might want to have plans for how to tackle it in the future you also have to focus on what is happening today Worry about the next fall when it comes. Worry about next year when it's here. But for now focus on each day and each hour and what you can do NOW to make your life a little better. Chunk it down and try not to take so much on board in one go.

Sorry if I've not been much use. Feel better, and god luck,
~Mark

Posted at 6:15 pm on July 4, 2008