My friends don't really call me, and because of that I've mostly stopped calling them. It's not that I don't think of them all the time, but I feel like I can't talk to them about how lonely I am or how much it sucks that I moved because I did it voluntarily. I didn't have to move. I could've stayed. And it's not like I can tell them that even though I could've stayed, that pretty much would've been a very bad decision. They all know what the situation was, but I doubt they ever really understood it. And I doubt they really know why I did choose to move- especially when now I'm so fucking miserable.

That aside I'm all alone. I can't talk to my dad (who I moved in with) because I feel like I'm just constantly reminding him of sad/difficult shit he doesn't want to deal with. And I don't want to deal with it. I can't talk to my step mom because I know she doesn't trust me (which drives me crazy, I would never do anything to either one fo them). I have no friends. I'm a pretty introverted person. It's not that I have a hard time talking to people, or anything, I really don't. I just get to a certain point and then I don't really want to know any more about the person and most especially I don't want them to know any more about me. I find making friends to be a very time consuming task, and as much as I want friends I usually feel like it's mostly going to be a waste of my time because it's very hard for me to find people I'm even remotely interested in.

I know the thing to do is to stop being this way, but that's not as easy as it sounds. I was depressed for awhile after I moved, and I still kind of am, but I'm ready to start moving on. The hard part is that my old friends don't really call, and because I'm not there we really can't connect. None of us has ever been very big on talking on the phone- and because we were so close (my best friend lived a block away) we never really called one another because usually we saw each other every day or could just walk to the other's house in about five minutes if anything happened. The adjustment is hard. I want to call but I feel like my friends really won't understand how I feel, and I get tired of trying to explain all the time why it sucks, and it feels lame to just say, "I'm fucking lonely and I miss home."

I feel like when I do call, I just ask a lot of superficial questions about how they are materially. I don't know how to talk on the phone because I hate it so much. I feel like I just talk at them for a good half an hour and then we run out of things to say, or they tell me they'll call back later (which no one ever does).

I'm miserable here. I'm not accostomed to living with a family that is, well, actually a family. I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to do with myself when every time I come home someone is here. Most of the time I just hope the house will be empty (which it never is). I hate coming home to people. I can never sleep because the house has poor insulation (it's an older home) and my family likes to be up late chatting. I can't stand it. It drives me crazy. But I don't want to mean and ask them to please shut up because I'm trying to sleep. I just want to go back home- where at least it was quiet and even though living with my mom was shit, she wasn't there most of the time so it wasn't all bad.

Now that I've moved no one calls, and I feel like I can't talk to anyone. I feel cut off from everything. On top of that, I think way too much about basically everything, and I like to talk a lot. But now I have no one I feel like I can talk too, and my professors really don't have a damn clue what I'm trying to say most of the tim because they get caught up in what they think we're supposed to be dealing with.

Basically. I am alone and lonely. And even though there are people around to talk to, I feel like they aren't really listening. It's not that no one COULD understand me so much as I feel like no one really tries to. I get frustrated a lot, lately, and mostly I just want somewhere to go that isn't home, but since I moved and don't know the area even if I do leave, there's nowhere to go.

I'm pretty much unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy, but I really don't know what to do about it. Moving back is an option, but kind of a really shitty one. It wouldn't be worth it and I'd be much worse off than I am now (as unconsoling as that ends up being).

No one has time for me, and the straight truth is no one ever has. What makes that so hard is that I always MAKE time for everyone else, I feel like I always have room in my life for the people I care about, but that the reciprocal is most definitly not true.

I don't know what to do anymore. It's been almost seven months and I have maybe one friend, and we don't really talk/hang out that often because we're in the same position. I hate living here but I can't go anywhere else, and I don't really want to make the best of it.

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You turn and laugh. Love.