Continuing to try and contact her is only going to make matters worse.  The next call she receives should be when you're telling her you've gotten a job, you've been working it for a bit, and you're alright.  If you can throw in that you've been seeing a counselor, that would be great.  Tell her about it, ask how she's been, and leave it at that.  Don't ask about your chances, don't moan on about missing her, don't ask to see her.  It will not help you.

Don't call her after every accomplishment looking for approval.  She's going to see that as you continuing to be dependent, and that's going to waste whatever effort you put towards that accomplishment.

Leaving her alone is very important here.  She's trying to cut you off for a reason.  It's necessary.  You need to learn to live without her, and you have to prove to her that you can.  You can't prove that if continuous contact is necessary.

Right now you need to putting all of your energy into getting a job, making friends, etc.  Don't sit around idle.  Giving yourself time to dwell will only make you feel worse, and set you back.  If you've nothing to do, get online and look at job postings, review and make changes to your resume, that sort.

-------
I am not procrastinating.  I am multislacking.

So... I dunno what I can say to help you, but there are a few things I think may be worth a mention. Even if they have been said before, being said again can never hurt, just to reinforce the ideas in your own head, rather than just my own.

You've talked to her, and she says there's no hope for getting back together. Whether or not she's decided, I can't be sure. She's hurt, maybe just as badly as you are. Just because she sounds so decided on the phone, just because she can say certain things about not caring about the things she left behind, doesn't mean that she has no suffering of her own.

---

She said at Christmas that she and been EXCITED to marry me. How the fuck can she start taking back all that love and acting like ti meant nothing.

---

Just so you know, it DIDN'T mean nothing to her. And ~that's~ precisely why it hurt her so much. She loved you, and the her of the past ALWAYS will love you... but she's been hurt, and she doesn't know if that's something that she can forgive. You mentioned about you messing up the first time... sometimes one time is enough... The hardest lessons are often learned when it's too late to correct them... then again, maybe there's a chance, I can't know... It wasn't only you that knew her from a young age... it was something that you grew together with. Sadly, over time, we are constantly changing. Sometimes the change causes us to drift apart, and sometimes we change together. Your emotional state isolated you, as you stated, and that's bound to hurt. Just as you had felt unloved, do you not think that she must have felt the same? It goes both ways.

As I'm sure many people have told you, it's time to live your life for you. A relationship based purely off of need doesn't always end of nicely. Even in a relationship, you need to retain your sense of independence, your individual strength, and the ability to move forward (whether separately or together) to better not only your life, but the life of those around you. In some cases... the best choice for both people is to go their separate ways. And while it hurts to no end, it may ultimately be the best choice. Louise saw how things were the first time... then watched as things got better... but also saw as they fell back to how they once were. I don't know her... but part of me wants to say that she not only separated for her, but for you as well.

Seeing you destroy yourself, rip yourself to pieces, and become dependent on her while isolating yourself from the world around you... she's bound to see what you were setting yourself up for in the future. If it continued, do you not think that it would have come to the point that changing would have been so difficult to the point of impossibility? Even now it's so hard that you wish not to go on... had she let it progress past this point, do you think you would still be here today? I don't know if you understand what I'm getting at... because while I know this split may be hurting you, I truly hope that you can use it to make YOURSELF a stronger person (and maybe this is what she's trying to see happen for you as well). One that's capable of loving others, but most importantly loving themself. For that reason, contact her again when you can prove to her that you're stable... that you have things back in order, and that you're back to the guy she fell in love with all those years back. The person she ~married~ and not the person that you allowed yourself to change in to. Are you truly the man she fell in love with that first time...?

It just reminds me of the day my boyfriend told me, "I don't want to love someone who can't love and respect herself." It was harsh... at the time I was going through depression... out of everyone in the world, I was the lowest scum on earth, something that shouldn't even have deserved to live... and so I worked on it, and I've been trying, and I've made sure not to fall back into my own ways. And it shows... because at least now I know that I like myself, it may not be love quite just yet, but as my confidence improves, as I see hope for my future... I start to love myself and who I am, and who I am becoming.

It's time to make a change. She's seen improvement, I'm sure you have as well. But this time around you need to prove that this is permanent. That you won't fall back into your old ways, that you can stay independent, and you can live life for YOU, and no one else. Your reason to get up in the morning needs to be looking forward to your own future. Whether or not that will be with Louise... who will know. Maybe she needs to be confident of your change, maybe she needs more time to sort out her own feelings, or maybe she's moved forward and needs to seek out her own life now. That's her decision, and one that you're sadly forced to accept.

Will you find another Louise? I know not... however, the you of the past loved her very much, and that will NEVER change. But the you of the present needs to move forward. Emotions, feelings, and personality all change with time... it causes us to drift apart from those we care about sometimes... but it may also cause us to change to become closer to someone else. I would hope that maybe in the future, you can resume your relationship with Louise, but there's no telling what her complete feelings are, as we only have your side of the story... and it takes two to make a relationship.

AND...

---

I feel like such a hypocrite. Who am I to be offering advice

---

You're someone with experience, your someone with compassion, and you're someone that can relate to others who have suffered through similar things. Just because you support others doesn't mean that your life is perfect. It doesn't mean that you can put aside your emotions and clearly assess the situations... and it doesn't mean that when you have a problem, you can simply wake up the next morning and have it solved. You're not a hypocrite, you're human.

There is so much more to say, but there isn't much else to say... maybe that makes sense to you, and maybe it doesn't. I apologize for the length, I tried to keep it short. As always, the option of PMing me (yes, a random, unrelated stranger) is always open. Though you seem to have many people here that wish to support you on this, so I doubt you'd feel the need to PM, hehe. I hope things brighten up for you... maybe the next time you leave LW it can be because you've reached a point of happiness and you're ready to move on. Don't run away... from life, from people, from anyone. Take steps forward, not back... and set yourself a goal that's focused on what ~you~ want from life. And from there... baby steps until you're properly set upon you feet again and can take longer strides : ). I wish you the best of luck, and I wish I could have helped you out, but it's up to you to decide what you want to make of your life. Happiness can be achieved in many different ways, though depression and sadness make those paths hard to see.

Post edited at 8:23 pm on May 5, 2008 by Just Waiting Here

---

What the fuck good is Mark WInters without Louise?

---

Just look at Livewire alone.  How many people were excited to see that you came back?  How many people have flocked to you to give you support when you needed it?  How many people read your long posts in this thread and are typing up equally as long replies?  People don't just do that for anybody, Mark, and you need to recognize this.  You are an amazing person with or without her and nothing can change that!

You have people who care, people who really want to help, and all these things.  It might feel as if this all pales in comparison to Louise, but believe me when I say that you cannot have a better gift than that.  The people who you make friends with, those you love and who love you back - this is what makes life worth living.  You have a lot to live for and don't even consider suicide for a second - not just for your own sake, but for the sake of all those around you who would be just as hurt as you are right now - Louise included, I would imagine.

First of all, I'd agree with many people that you need to sort yourself out before you go back to Louise or do anything.  This should be your top priority.  A man can only love as much he loves himself.  You need to recognize that your fear of people, the anxieties, insecurities, etc. are something that everybody deals with.  I can't tell you how much I've suffered from some of the things you have been, perhaps not nearly to such an extent, but I've dealt with them.  We all have.  You are not alone in this, no matter how much it may feel like you are.

Thing is, you've been going about them entirely the wrong way.  When I feel afraid of people, I challenge myself to face them.  When I feel insecure, I dare myself to let everything work itself out.  You need to face your problems and everything head on - you can't run away.  Your leaving Livewire last time was a complete mistake and has only led to bad things.  Dare yourself to do something extraordinary - coming back to Livewire and spilling out all this was one step, not you need to work on the next.  You need to do something, anything - a job, perhaps?  Meet new people and get to know them?

I can't tell you what to do and as I'm not entirely aware of your life's situation, and I can't suggest a whole lot either, but you need to face these things; and not only by facing them will you have fixed yourself, but you will also be well on your way to dealing with Louise as well.  Adding new things to your life brings excitement and hope.  The excitement of a new job and a new friend can go a long way towards your dealing with all of this.  You just need to get out there and find something new so you can work your way out of this mess.

As for Louise herself, it's hard to say what's going on with her.  Her leaving you does seem rather rash and obviously you're going to need to let it all play out to figure out what exactly has been going on, but don't fool yourself in thinking that by her keeping her things at your place, she'll come back.  The fact that she left you at all like this is a clear indication that something went terribly wrong and even if she did come back, it would not go away and things would suddenly be all right again.  To the contrary, her coming back would only prolong these problems you've been having.

Take a good hard look at yourself, Mark.  She loved you, I'm sure of it, and love like that doesn't just disappear.  It stays somewhere deep inside of her, but recently it seems as if she's been dealing with another side of you - a side that she doesn't like, a side which hurts her.  She loves you, but she doesn't love what you've done to her.  It sounds to me that she's relieved to be gone from this burden.  This sort of covers up whatever love she has for you, at least for now - it'll come back, but in a more distant "in the past" form.

So what do you want for Louise, Mark?  Certainly, you want her to be happy, don't you?  It hurts horribly bad, I know this, but if she's happy without you, then you need to let her go and be happy.  Think about your love for her and how happy she is and be glad that she's happy.  It leaves you feeling shitty as fuck and bitterly jealous, I know, but Mark, it's not too late to undo some of these wrongs and make her happy again.  It's a sacrifice, but a sacrifice of the most noble kind.  Even if it is too late for you two to be together anymore, it is not too late to let it go gracefully.

Remember, this isn't about who you are, but what you've done to her.  We make mistakes and certainly this is a regret of the most extreme kind, but you need to face it and deal with it.  Only then you can become strong, and I know you are a strong person - you're just afraid, and there's nothing wrong with that.

So Mark, I'm going to tell you this: calm down.  Quit trying to ring Louise.  If she's going to come back at all, let her do it on her own accord.  With or without Louise, your future will be bright and amazing.  You can still be happy, despite something as horrible as this happening.  You can still fix yourself and be an even greater man, even if Louise does not come back to you.  You're a great person, you're going to be an even greater person, and foremost, you will be happy in time.  I guarantee it.  But for now, calm down and let everything work itself out.  It's the best thing you can do for yourself and Louise.

The real fucking problem is that even if you are not phoning Louise, even if you are getting your life back together, you are just doing it because you think that giving her time and fixing yourself will fix a broken relationship. It's just dependency with forethought, and that is stupid as fuck.

Build up your life, become successful, overcome your social anxiety disorder, torture yourself mentally for years by talking and socializing and becoming socially known. Fuck knows I'll be torturing myself physically and mentally for years to come through Recon and when I get into the Special Forces because fucking up your body for the government isn't exactly a good plan of attack for the average person. I'm not the average person and I have specific aims, for me, for my own success, for my own means to take history's reigns.

There is something inherently sickening to me about a man so dependent on a woman and yet so unable to change himself for her until she leaves him unexpectedly (though was it, really, if you think about it?) and then he's suddenly realized that he's without his cocaine and his sustenence and he's panicking and his only thoughts are on how to get his high back. I mean seriously it's the behavior of an addict that your expressing here, transfuckingscend it (and by the way spellchecker doesn't correct transfuckingsend because it's an awesome word).

Who gives a flying fuck about being happy, happiness is ephemeral at best, and that relationship doesn't even sound very happy anyway, at least not for her, no matter what kind of smiles she gave you or toys she bought you (and you her).

Be real about this, it's not the end of your life, you're twenty-something, not sixty.

To me this is such a menial thing, I mean here I am risking permanently damaging my leg because I tore my quadricep and it's not completely healed (and consequently my left leg is about half the strength of my right) and I'm going to enter one of the hardest training programs the US Military has to offer, physically and mentally. Try running twelve miles - uphill - at 6 miles per hour (MINIMUM speed if you maintain that speed the WHOLE way, to literally make the hike in the exact amount of time you are allotted) with a 120lb pack on your back and a rifle in your hands, with a useless and muscle-torn leg. Go six miles an hour on your treadmill with 120 lbs on your back for two hours straight. Realistically, I'll be running ten miles an hour the whole way so that I don't look like a shitbag who goes for the bare minimum qualification. If I'm not horribly broken (as in in need of months of physical therapy) after I finish this course, it'll be a miracle. I'm choosing to TORTURE myself to accomplish a goal that I set for myself. It hurts rather badly to walk without a limp, let alone swim at a racing speed for hundreds of meters and run miles and miles with a pack on my back while getting an hour and a half of sleep over a seven day period of patrolling the wilderness at camp pendleton, etc etc. Sometimes you have to do shit you don't want to do, even if your not motivated to do it, even if you can't yet see that light at the end of the tunnel, even if no relief is in sight.

Relief comes eventually, and as I remember from some faggoty thing that Ryan (Chalkboard Sonata) once quoted, "Everything will be alright."

I mean fuck man, it doesn't get any simpler than that, just because you're in the ocean and can't see the shore doesn't mean you stop fucking paddling, paddle harder, a storm's a brewing, you know? Get your shit together or I'll lose all respect for you, and that'd be a tragedy.

Post edited at 6:43 pm on May 5, 2008 by medjai

I really wanted to phone her again this morning. My plan was to say something like the following:

"I know you're hurt and confused, love, but I really am sorry for treating you like that and hurting you the way I did.

I'm trying hard to sort my life out and make some real changes to myself and my situation. I really want to sort myself out and be happy again and I know I have to do this on my own.

But we are married, love, and once upon a time you did see a life with me and you did love me. I want to be that man again and I'm trying to sort my life out and get there. Please wait for me for the sake of our marriage and all our years together."

I didn't ring her. Luckily Beth (UnusualOne) is coming to see me today so I can have some actual human contact and that is distracting me. But oh I so badly wanted to.

-------------------------

Jared (medjai), it would be a shame if I lost your respect, but not a tragedy! Seriously, I have a lot of the stuff for you and for that reason it would be a shame if I lost your respect. However right now I have bigger things to worry about than losing the respect of a guy on the other side of the world who I've never met.

I'm sure I'm going to do all these things. I'm sure that at times it will be torture. If I had done them a month ago then Louise would have been here for me when I felt I couldn't go on and she would have helped me through it. Now I have to do it all alone it will doubtless be hell at times. I know that going for my first day at work or my first day volunteering ahnd having to deal with people is going to be hell. I wish she was there when I got back to tell her about it.

But I probably will drag myself through these things. And I'm not simply doing it because I want Louise back - I'm doing it because I don't want to die either., The only options I have are kill myself or drag myself onwards, so I will drag myself onwards I guess.

I just wish she was going to be there on the other side of it. Because right now I keep going over and over that stupid hone call. People tell me to distract myself with cleaning, walking anything - but I can't - no matter what I do it comes into my mind an no matter what I do I can't forget what she said or stop thinking about it. No matter what I'm doing it creeps in there somehow and I end up thinking about whether I can get her back.

And yes, I sound like a crack addict - an analogy I've made myself before.

But I can't stop it. I can't distract myself. I can't give up on her - on us.

Post edited at 8:43 am on May 7, 2008 by britishguy

Katy said this to me today:

---

that vicious cycle is exactly what i'm talking about. you'll drive yourself mad with worry if you weren't already mad with it before. when something this horrible happens this soon, it's often best to try to distract yourself, forget about things as much as possible, aim to get on with life. there will be plenty of time to sort everything through in your mind once the dust has settled somewhat.

---

Jane used that phrase last week on Thursday after I phoned Louise. She said that I shouldn't have phoned her so soon, that it was far too early for Louise to know what she's feeling and to "let the dust settle."

I feel like every day that I sit around here doing nothing to get her back though is another nail in the coffin for the pair of us. Every day that goes by is another day she convinces herself she only stayed because of her low self esteem, another day that she remembers all the shit and non of the good stuff, another day she convinces herself that marrying me was a huge mistake.

I know you could argue that if I was out there putting my life together then I could say I was "doing something" - and up until last Thursday I would have agreed with you. For the first week I really felt that by going to the JobCentre, making a new friends, going out for coffee, getting in touch with my family after so long, applying for jobs, looking for charities to help me - all those things were something positive that I was "doing" to improve things with Louise.

And since that bloody phonecall I've really slowed down.  Because much as I might be doing something, it's not going to get her back. And anything that doesn't contribute to getting my wife back is not "something" in my book.

I want to be phoning her, talking to her, just getting her to LISTEN to what I'm doing and SEE that I want to change. I don't went her back right away even - I just want to know she won't give up on me.

But she has. She's convincing herself she didn't love me - that she did what she did because of low self esteem, that I was a monster, and her friends are supporting her in that and she's not even talking to me so that I can't change her mind.

I know I should be pressing on with these things, but they just seem pointless when they don't contribute to getting her back. I should be finding some way to talk to her - some way to get through to her, SOMETHING to stop another day going by where she puts me behind her some more. ANYTHING.

I also have money to consider. I have £250, a PAYG mobile which EATS money and a day on the bus costs me £3.20. The rent is £675 and the bills another £100. I can't just go out willy-nilly and do charity work on a whim. She left me completely high and dry. The rent is due in a week and she won't even speak to me about it.

You are a wonderful person.

DRAG DRAG DRAG!

I'm fucked

-------

From a distance you look like my friend,

even though we are at war.

you are not getting anywhere with this woe-is-me mindset. your wife has left you and that is awful, i'm not denying that. you are heartbroken. but if you continue along this path of, "i'm TRYING, but it's going to be SOOO hard, i'm not going to be able to do it, i really want to just end it all, what if i'd done it a month ago when she was still here, then i wouldnt have to kill myself" - you're getting bloody nowhere.

i'm sorry. but your mindset just needs to change. i dont care how unhappy you are, i dont care how hard it's going to be to get out there, i don't care how many barriers are stopping you from doing x, y and z - you NEED to do it and that's the end of it. stop entertaining yourself with all these what ifs and potential problems, you're only allowing yourself to wallow. in life, we get knocked down at times. we can choose to lie there, or to pull ourselves up off the floor, wipe the dust from our knees and just get the fuck on with it.

you can lie on the floor and contemplating getting up until the cows come home. it's not as if anyone else is going to come along and straighten your knees out for you.

-------
"God kissed her on the cheek and there she was."

Someone said to me today that I should be realistic. I had said that I wish Louise could have made this separation temporary while I sorted myself out. They said to me that I needed to be realistic - what did I expect her to say - that I had six months to sort myself out or she'd never come back? They said that I wasn't going to have myself sorted out in 6 months. Now I agree that particularly the therapy aspect of this whole situation will take muhc longer than that, but are you seriously telling me that it would be unrealistic, even if Louise does take me back, to expect to be back with her in six months. Fuck me. The thought that I would have to wait more than six months to get back with my wife seems ludicrous.

Today I am plain frustrated and angry.  

I haven't mentioned yet in this thread that she left me high and dry financially. She told me in this email that she is not paying the rent, and she is not paying the bills any more. In fact, in January after she had talked about leaving I asked her a couple of weeks later what her intentions had been regarding the rent and bills and she basically said that she figured that once she had gone it wasn't her problem any more.

Sure, if we were simply co-habiting or whatever that would be fine. But we were married, we have a joint tenancy agreement, and all the utilities are in her name. Not to mention that she has been caring for me financially since I was studying at uni (though I did have some money coming in in my name then).

Next Monday the rent is due and over the following week so are all the bills. And she's just left me high and dry. Thanks, Louise. She just thinks it's not her responsibility because she has walked out on it all. Legally that simply isn't true, but the last thing I want to do is to get solicitors (lawyers) involved.

It's so fucking childish and selfish - to just think that she can walk out on her responsibilities and expect me to just jump up and get a paycheck overnight and pay everything off.

It's more childish because I actually pointed out to her in January when she shared this plan with me that she was legally liable for half the rent. Then she willingly signed a new tenancy agreement in March for 12 months. I pointed out to her that one can't simply go and get a job overnight, that one can't simply get benefit overnight, that she was unrealistic in thos expectations. I pointed all this out to her and yet now she's actually put her plan in to action did she bother to remember any of that? Oh, but her co-worker tell sme that "she's though this through quite carefully." Yeah, really carefully. She didn't even giv eme a month so even if I had got a job the day she left I wouldn't have had a pay cheque in time to pay the bills. I mean hell, most of the interviews for jobs I applied for are in the first week of June - and that's the interviews. That's just how the world works, and she should know all this because she has done it herself. SO what the hell is she thinking with this "carefully thought about" plan of hers?

She didn't have to give me a head start, but it would have helped if she hadn't fucking hobbled me.

I have even sent her an email with the subject "Rent, bills, etc." and I kept it very short - just a few sentences saying:

"The rent is due on Monday and the bills the week after that. I see you've been cancelling the direct debits. I don't have my benefits through yet and won't for a few weeks, and I don't have any money to pay these things with.  

I don't mean to sound like I am threatening you, but regardless of whether you like it or not we do have a joint tenancy agreement and we are married and you are liable for at least half the rent and maybe more than that because your income is still legally our income.  

Please contact me so that we can sort this out somehow."

Which I thought was quite succinct and controlled of me. That was a couple of days ago. No response.  

So I'm angry about that - it seems childish and irresponsible.  

And I'm still angry because we married, for better or worse - and this is the worse and I deserve a fucking chance to show her I can change. Sure, if in 6 months or whatever I have made no effort then she'd have every right to tell me that I don't deserve any more chances. But here i am, on my own, and this is the real test of me - can I sort my life out on my own two feet? If I pass then our fucking marriage should still mean something, because I will have shown her that I am worth it and that I have put the effort in when we hit the "worse" and pulled my finger out to sort things.

Again, it just seems fucking irresponsible. We talked about what marriage meant to us both so many times. I deserve this fucking chance. So I screwed up January - so this is different - this is actually harder because I'm on my own. If I can do this then I've earned my fucking place in that marriage.

I might add that it seems hypocritical as well because she always complained that her father just walked out on his responsibilities and left them. Well that's what she's doing here.

Sure she needs space. Sure she needs the situation to change, Sure I was being an arsehole - but we are married and I deserve this chance to prove that I can do it.

----

The same person also said that I shouldn't consider Louise as trying to end the marriage just yet because I haven't had any divorce papers. Maybe she just doesn't have the money yet though. Maybe it's just a fucking matter of time. I don't know. I'd like to think she's sitting back and sorting her life out and giving me a chance to do the same. I'd like to think that.  

Anger stage of grief reached.

(I'm fucked)

Addendum:

I just discovered she has taken all her fucking bank statements with her as well. All of them. She didn't even leave me a few photocopies.

I realise it's "her" account, but that was basically every bit as good as a joint account because we used her account for everything and basically all the payment details for the bills and accounts were on there as well as all the proof of my income (or rater lack thereof) for the last several years.

If ever I need to prove I had no income or to sort out some of these accounts then I'm screwed because she's just waltzed off with everything like it's hers.

Jesus. She is married whether she likes that or not and this is just plain bloody immature and short-sighted. And her co worker says she has thought this through carefully. Bollocks.

Post edited at 10:19 am on May 7, 2008 by britishguy

Okay, I'm back to crying over her now. Great. The anger thing didn't last long did it? We had such a great summer in 2005 - she was so happy.

It seems Louise spoke to someone about a month ago and them just about everything except that she was leaving me. Apparently she said that she saw our relationship was unhealthy and she was very unhappy and she felt that if things carried on then she was going to end up being miserable and I was never going to get better. She actually said that she wanted me to get better and she knew that as long as she was around I was never going to do that. We tried in January and failed, and I think that Louise was just as worried about me being depressed and reclusive as she was about her own happiness. And yes, I had told Louise in January that I hated myself and my failure to have a job and get a life so much that I had considered suicide, so perhaps she was even worried that if I didn't get better then I might do something stupid.

So maybe she did do this partly for me as well.

But then I think of when I told her in that damn phone call that I wish I had never made that I loved her and that she must love me to have stuck by me for so long, and she said: "Well you're entitled to your own opinion, but you have to understand that my self confidence has been completely shattered lately - completely and I think I stayed because I thought I deserved that - I didn't think I deserved any better."

That doesn't sound like she still loves me. Maybe it's because it had only been a week and I am blowing that phonecall out of proportion. Louise was raw and confused - that this is as big a change in her life as it is in mine - but I don't know.

It's not like I'm not still doing these things that I have to in order to sort my life out - I am doing them and will continue to do them.

It's just that I want to be able to hope without kidding myself, that she might be there when I'm done. And right now all I can see is her getting a place of her own I know nothing about, and us losing touch because she won't speak to me. And me never seeing her again.

I'm fucked.

I spoke to her on the phone again this morning very briefly. I asked her about the joint tenancy agreement. She said she's been given advice to pay nothing. The managing agents say it's my job to sue her, not theirs. So I have to pay all the rent, and if I don't I'm fucked. If we fall into arrears then Louise and I would BOTH be sued, but until then they won't go after her for half of it - I would have to do that.

She also said she intends to get a divorce.

She doesn't care if I change - it's nothing to do with her any more. She'd like me to for my own happiness, but she's made her decision and she has no plans to go back on it. It's just nothing to do with her any more.

Yeah, I know, do it for myself. But seriously, what's the fucking point. It's not worth doing it for me. I'm worthless.

So she thinks she's better than me =( She thinks I'm not good enough. I should set my sight slower should I? I'm not good enough for people like Louise.
For fuck's sake, I was ill =(

Why can't she have some heart and see that the man she married was under there and I was just ill?
Why can't she see what a good person I am inside, under all that? Why can't she love me again =(

I'm not going to do anything silly. I'm just saying this to express how I feel right now. But I want to die.

When she was here I didn't want to get up in the morning because it was all snuggolly and war. Now I have so much trouble getting up because the day ahead feels like a nightmare. I can't do that every day forever.

I can't keep coming home to an empty flat. I can't keep sitting on LW half the day. I can't keep thinking of all the good times. It's driving me mad. I wish I could run home and stay with family for a while - but I have to get ajob, look after the rabbits, pay the rent. I wish I had friends HERE to help me, to distract me, to talk to. TO make me feel like I had a life outside of Louise. It's FINE FOR HER>.Stupid bitch has a fucking live in friend.

How could she do this to me. It's so cruel. It's no t enough to have taken away everything that meant anything in my life - now she's threatening my home and she knows I have no-one local like she does to help me through it. IT'S SO FUCKING SELFISH.

I mean fine, she needed to get out. But taking her out of my life is a hard enough issue to deal with as it is. Let alone threatening everything else. =(   And all she can say is "it's nothing to with me any more."

I really wish I could just hide somewhere for a whe. I wish I could go stay with my family, get a job there and just be safe while I sort my life out.

How the fuck has she got it in her head that she didn't love me? HOW THE FUCK? She WAS happy sometimes. I have the videos, the pictures that fucking prove it. I wasn't ALL bad =( How the fuck could she convince herself of that =(  She cried for me, she cared for me, she MARRIED ME. She was so sweet and kind... and now she sayd it was all because she didn't think she deserved batter.

I know I'm going round in circles but what else can I do. I can't go anywhere else.

I think Lou's being irresponsible, and perhaps it is because she simply cannot handle dwelling on the painful situation at the moment, but it does seem very unfair to leave you with next to no options, given your circumstance. Mebbe she's decided she can't handle looking out for you when you won't look out for yourself - that's a large stress for anyone to have on them.

Sounds like you need to think practically for a little. You can't go on living in your flat when you can't afford it. I wonder if your aunt would let you stay with her for a short while as you get a job and make some money and focus on paying off bills.

Find a living arrangement. Think of the people who might be able to offer a room (perhaps you could pay them back later, or help them out with housework, cooking etc to make their life easier) and then STOP thinking about it and why it wouldn't work, and do something. It's not a thing you can just keep considering, because it's come down to an urgent item on the agenda. If nothing else, you could camp in someone's backyard and promise to mow the lawn.

Leaving the flat makes me cringe in sympathy pain - don't think I take that lightly, I can imagine how much you don't want to face anything like that, or getting your stuff, or touching any of Lou's. You might have to grit your teeth and bear it. I wish I was there to help, I'm good at organising stuffs. :(

And secondly, about jobs. Start looking. You don't have to plunge into a job that surrounds you with people and responsibility, but start looking. Don't think of it as "if only Lou was still here" or "it's not worth doing it for me" - you're a bit beyond the chance to weigh things up in that regard. running out of options and this is urgent and essential. Odd jobs aren't beneath you and if you could ask anybody if they have anything at all they need help with, do so. Ask your aunt if she has anything you could help with or if she knows anybody else who does. I don't know how many people have lawns around there but if anybody does, learn how to use a mower. Any little skills of that sort are worth picking up.

A bit not-important right now but out of curiosity... have you ever thought of a career in something more active and practical (than... whatever you're studying)? Praps I just like gardens too much, but I'd quite like to learn all about plants and trees and pruning and growing things, and go around making gardens and caring for gardens. When you are knowledgeable and skilled in a specific area, you're valuable in an employment sense. A lot of things you can learn a large amount of necessary info about from the net. There are jobs you don't need uni degress for, there are ways of breaking into something.

that reminded me of your web design skillz. where could you use them? have you checked out sites like elance.com?

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So, I spoke to her yesterday like I said. I wanted to try and talk about the rent. I asked some stupid questions:

1) Is there still no hope of us ever sitting down and talking about this whole situation?

"No."

2) But I mean we're married, for better or worse. And I am making some serious fundamental changes to my life in the last two weeks. At Christmas you talked about how you were excited to marry me, so if in a few months or six months or whatever you see that man come back won't you take another look at me?

"No"

3) Why not? I mean I understand this situation was unbearable for you, but if the situation has changed then can't we talk about things?

"No. I don't even want to see you because I don't want to end up agreeing to things that I don't mean to. I don't want to end up changing my decision. I've made up my mind."

4) Why? Why can't you reconsider?

"I don't have to defend myself to you. It's nothing to do with me any more. I want you to be happy, I want you to sort your own life out for your own good, but it's really nothing to do with me any more."

5) At some point I also asked her, "do you intend to get a divorce?"

"Yes"

-------------------

In the afternoon I had an appointment with the Citizen's Advice Bureau. I got my sorry arse out of bed on Wednesday to queue for two hours before they opened just to make an appointment (you can't phone book them - you have to do them this way and they only give out 15 per day, three days a week). SO I go to the appointment only to be told that it's a complete waste of time. They can't tell me anything about divorce, separation, the tenancy agreement, the rent, the bills or anything really. Why? Because someone[/i might have been there before me though they can;'t say because it's all confidential, and if they've given someone advice already then they can't give me any advice that contradicts that.

So I was pissed off and decided to phone Louise. I mean she has a job - she could afford to see a lawyer. She didn't NEED to see the Citizen's Advice Bureau and take away my one fucking source of free legal advice.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE FUCKING DID? She was nice to me.

She actually apologised for the CAB thing - she didn't know they had a conflict of interests policy and thought they just saw anyone on their own grounds. She was really sorry and spent some time going over the benefits they told her I could claim and making sure I had filed them all. Then she talked about the rent with me and we had a civil conversation about where we were going with that. I at least found out that she doesn't want to be sued when the rent fails to be paid so that's some leverage I have there.

She was great though. And I didn't mention her coming back or us seeing each other or anything ONCE. We just had a mature adult conversation.

Then at the end she fucked with my mind. She said:

"You should be really proud of all the things you've done in the last two weeks. I think you've done really well. I really mean that. I thought you'd just crumble. I know what you're like though  - you don't give yourself enough credit - you and your mum are both like that - you don't give yourself enough credit when you do something well. You should be really proud of yourself, make sure you remember that."

I give up trying to work out if she caers. She was so nice, so kind, and yet she won't pay the rent while I get a job and she won't even consider the possibility of having me back if I change.

Talk about conflicted.

*sigh*