le sigh.

You know, last year I spent ages making Lou an hour long animated movie. It was just a silly thing I made in ToonBoom studio, kinda South-Park style, but she was so impressed and thought it was so amusing. She didn't take that with her - it's only a DVD.

And this time last year I made a recording for her of all the M.R.James Ghost stories so she could listen to them on her way home from work because she was too tired to read. And I recorded her the K-PAX trilogy recently for the same reason. I don't think she finished listening to that before she left me. I think she was only on the second book.

And we had so many lovely times going to the canals, the downs, the woods, the zoos, and even this place along the coast where we had our first ever holiday together before we left high school.  

Then there's the model Titanic I bought her for Christmas that she was really looking forward to making, and the video games she hadn't yet played and the books she hadn't yet read. all of them were left behind like she just wasn't interested, and yet I know that even if she was unhappy they did mean something to her at the time.

I even have birthday presents and Christmas presents for her stashed in my wardrobe - we used to buy them when we had the money so we wouldn't have to worry about running out for an important occasion. I bet she has things stashed in her wardrobe for me as well.

And right in front of me I have a whole shelf of little things she got me, like a singing bullfinch and a stupid flipping frog that she got me a from a natural history museum we went to on my last birthday.

It's so sad. I miss her so much. We had so much unfinished business.

About a month ago she told someone else that she was really unhappy again because things hadn't really changed since Christmas. Why didn't she tell me? Why didn't she ask me to make more effort? Why didn't she say it wasn't good enough and I had to do something - go back to the effort I was making in January - or she would leave? Why didn't she come to me (or at least answer me all the times I asked her if she was okay) instead of going to other people?

She's never fucking coming back. And I am going to be alone with all her memories and all the lovely things we set up and did together. So fucking many things, everywhere. So many memories - so much stuff, so many years. What am I supposed to do? Throw them out like so much garbage?  

I fucking LOVE her. I was married to her. That's supposed to mean something. I'm supposed to have a chance to sort myself out, even if that means being separated for a while. How the fuck can she just leave me like this and say there's no way we're ever going to try and work it out even if I sort my life out? I know I had a chance in January, but this time I am really doing things and I'm doing them on my own - surely she won't just waste this opportunity to try again, to get back the man she married (and more)? Will she?

How can I carry on facing day after fucking day without her here and with all these memories and all these unfinished things? How can I do that?

I want her back. I want to finish our plans. I want to fucking show her I can be the man she married and we can have the life she wanted. She gave me a chance at Christmas why can't she give me a chance now that I am really genuinely making long term changes? She doesn't have to come back - she just has to wait for me....

I still want to fucking die.

EDIT: A couple of hours later and I still can't stop thinking, "Why the fuck didn't she tell me that she was disappointed because things hadn't changed since January - they had gone back to how they were before? Why the fuck didn't she tell me? I would have cared. I asked her often enough if she was okay, if things were still changing enough for her - why the fuck didn't she tell me? I could have done something, and she'd still be here. Why the fuck didn't she just tell me. We are married, I deserve a chance to put things right. And I know I had one in January, and I tried and I showed her I could achieve some of it - okay so I screwed up - but that was only my first attempt - you'd think she could give me one last go to learn from my mistakes and build on what I managed in January....

Post edited at 8:35 am on May 7, 2008 by britishguy

She felt she had to do something to change her situation rather than be passive but she's a woman so all she could do to change her situation was to walk away from it.

You need to overcome your vices for you, not on the condition of the relationsip

Christ. It is so fucking irritating that I can't even speak to her. All I want to do is tell her that I admit I was a fucking idiot. I admit that I was ungrateful, controlling, unkind and a complete fucking prick. Okay, I know that. I am committing to making changes in my life that actually address my problems and I think I can really do this. So I was a fucking prick. So give me another fucking chance! We are supposed to be married. We are supposed to work through these fucking things.

I know what I did wrong. I have had plenty of time over the last 10 days to think about that, to plan what I can do differently and to feel fucking sorry.  

Right up until recently she must have been planning on staying. She signed a 12 month tenancy agreement with me in March. We had a great holiday together in March, when we actually forgot our problems for a while. We were out shopping and she asked me to buy her something she saw and keep it for her birthday. She even bought me something to keep for mine. She wouldn't have done those things if she had been planning on leaving then.

I mean for fuck's sake - she must have been planning on staying until only a few weeks ago. Why the fuck didn't she just tell me that things were really that bad for her again and I had better get of my arse and do something? Or now, when I am getting off my arse, I see everything crystal clear with 20:20 hide sight, and I am making fucking changes, but do I get a chance? No. Why the fuck not? Christ, I'm sorry I screwed up. It's not like she has to come back right away. I could understand that she'd want to see that these changes were permanent. Hell I could understand if she wanted to stay away for several months. But we could keep in touch, we could work things out when I was sorted, when I had things under control. Why the fuck does she have to walk away altogether?

GAH. So now I can't even talk to her to show her I am sorry, to tell her I care, to show her I'm changing. I mean WTF? So to everyone that says I will be able to get her back one day, how the fuck am I going to do that when:

(a) I can't talk to her

(b) Other people are busy telling her what a waste of space I am

(c) It's only a matter of time before she gets in touch with her family again and THEY jump on the fucking bandwagon too.

Oh yeah, my chances at convincing her to come back some time are fucking awesome.

I just don't get it. I fucked up. I'm sorry. But this permanent separation just isn't necessary or porportionate (YAY! Let's invoke the Just War Theory for relationship break-ups - actually that's not such a bad idea).

And I miss her and want to show her what a TWAT I was.

Post edited at 8:36 am on May 7, 2008 by britishguy

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I believe you can get through this but another thing the survival section says is to assess your situation realistically. If you fix your shit for her and not for you when she doesnt come back youll revert. If you fix yourself for you you might find that you were only so hopeless for her because you never knew what it was to be an n
Independent man living for himself. You can still love and be an independent man who doesnt rely physically and emotionally on someone else. A relationsip should compliment you life not hold and maintain it

---

Sorry, I was busy writing my latest rant while you replied so I ended up posting straight after you like I hadn't read what you said.

There WAS a time when our relationship was like that. I want to go back to that. Despite all the crap I am feeling, underneath all the dependency I have developed I do fucking love her and I really want a chance to show her that. I would happily get my life sorted out simultaneously with just fucking dating her or something. I just dread it being too late. I want BOTH - I want to sort my life out AND I want her back. It's not so much that I mena to make one conditional upon the other as that I want both of them. Sure I want to learn to be the independent person I was when I married her, but I also don't want to have screwed this up so badly by my own stupid selfishness that I can't repair it.

It's hard to sort your life out though when something that means so much to you seems so fucked up. I mean it's hard enough sorting myself out as it is, but I have to simultaneously deal with the thought that she won't ever give me another chance.

I'm sure I will continue to drag myself through the days. I'm sure I'll get myself a job and drag myself home to an empty flat at night and cry over her. The days will slowly pass and turn into weeks.

But I will be alone. And I don't think I can MAKE myself happy. I want to. Christ I don't WANT to feel this way. But I can't see myself ever being happy without her even giving me a chance.

And sure, maybe January through now was my chance, but how can I do it without feedback? How the fuck is it fair to give me a chance without telling me how I'm doing or what it is she needs? If I'm not doing good enough she should have told me when I asked her. Some fucking chance that was. So now my feedback is "I'm leaving" - great. Really constructive. Give me the feedback when it's too late to do anything with it.

But yeah. I hear what you're saying about sorting myself ou ton my own, being independent like I used to be, etc., but I just have no idea how to do that when my every fucking waking thought is about HER and getting her back. I just can't give up. My mind just won't let me. The thought of no more Louise make me physically ill.

I'm so fucked.

Also, on a positive side note, Scott and I agree that you should be one of those actors/people who reads books on tape/CD because you have an amazing voice and are good with words.

Post edited at 9:18 pm on May 4, 2008 by kira

-------
"Dancing through life mindless and careless.
Make sure your where less trouble is rife.  
Woes are fleeting blows are glancing
when you're dancing through life..."

I know that everything you guys say about me sorting myself out is true. I know that I need to get my life back to the point where it is a life by itself, with a job, friends, and all those other things. I hear those words and in understand them intellectually and agree with them.

But I just woke/got up. It's 12:30pm. And every morning I want to cry and cry.

Who's going to be there if I have a shitty first day at work and I come home and cry? If I had looked for work just one month ago then Louise would have stayed and she would have been there to hold me and help me through it.

We always did such nice things on birthdays. Who's going to be there to make me a cake and make the day special?

I miss the way she cooked me dinner every Sunday night so I could have a night off. She always tried so hard to make something tasty. I was an arsehole the last time she did that - I was critical and I forgot to thank her anyway for all the effort she'd put in. What a fucking bastard.

I still can't face the bed. I don't even get undressed. It's too cold without her there to snuggle up to.  

I haven't watched tv since she left. Again, there's no-one to snuggle up to.

And I still can't play a video game. What's the point?

I drag myself through each day, kicking and screaming, sitting at this damn computer so I don't feel alone, trying to do "positive things" to sort my fucking life out, but ultimately what is the point? People tell me it will be months before I can even date my own wife - if she will even talk to me that is. And what if she says no? It physically hurts trying to live this life without Louise. I can't do it forever. I can't.

I know, I'm a loser to have become so dependent on someone.  

If only I had done all these things - the Job centre, the therapy, realised what I had done wrong - a month ago then she'd still be here.

If  she could give me another chance then then why can't she do it now?

So many people (e.g. my Aunt, the Vicar) keep telling me there's 'hope' of getting her back if I change who I am completely so that she can see I am no longer dependent. Fuck that. She isn't coming back. They didn't hear her on the phone. I'm fucking kidding myself.

I can't break out of this cycle of:

wanting her back
            v
being unable to cope with the thought that won't happen
            v
convincing myself there's hope
            v
being scared that it's false hope
            v
feeling hopeless and despairing again  
            v
(rinse and repeat)

I can't stop thinking how much easier all of this would be with her by my side to help me, to hold me after my first day at work when I need to cry, to hold me when I have a hard day and feel like giving up. If she were here to help me through I know I could do it, and if I had done this a month ago then I would have that support and I would have her pride in me when I achieved these things. I am such a prick for not taking advantage of that.

She even offered to share her friends with me in January. I could have had friends through them. I could have met people. She offered to take me out WITH them so I could get a life. She'd have supported me getting work and going to therapy. She would even have gone to Relate marriage counselling with me. All she wanted was hope for a better life and i fucking failed her. and if i had given it to her then she'd have been there to help me get through all this and become a better person.

Now I may well get through this. I may well drag myself through these changes. But there won't be any Louise on the other side. And I could have had both. And I can't get over that. I just can't.

We did so many wonderful things together. We had so many GREAT times. And all her memories are still here. Now she's convincing herself they meant nothing and she didn't even love me. She said in January that she and been excited to marry me. She held me and cried for me because of the pain I told her I felt about my life which held me back from being happy. How the fuck can she start taking back all that love and acting like it meant nothing?

We had so many things we could have done. Christmas is always so much fun with her around. We do such silly things. What the fuck will be the point without her? There is no point in life without her there to make it special. It's completely fucking lame without her there to make it fun, to laugh, to be silly, to make jokes, to hold me, to share it with. It's so fucking pointless.

Oh fuck. I'm ranting so badly. But I have nothing else to do. I have not other way to vent right now.  

I'm so fucked.

Post edited at 8:37 am on May 7, 2008 by britishguy

Two can play at that game.

-------
"God kissed her on the cheek and there she was."

What if she does? Fuck me. I know I don't have any choice but to change. I know that if I don't then I don't stand a hope in hell of getting her back.  

But she sounded so adamant.

"Is there any hope of us maybe one day dating again or something"  

"No"

"What about Relate counselling? Is there any hope of us maybe one day going to that together?"

"No"

"Can I ask why?"

"Because I'm hurt, and I'm angry as well. Right now I can't even ever see us going for coffee or something together like you suggested."

and then later  

"I just feel sorry for you because you've not got any of your stuff"

"(slightly bitterly) You'd be surprised actually at how little I miss."

I'm fucked. I know it. I should never have phoned her. Up until them I was staying positive. I was doing shit to change. I had hope.

Now I feel like an idiot for hoping and for continuing to listen when people like my Aunt tell em she's seen couples go through this before and get back together.

And I know I'm repeating myself, but it's my fucking topic and it represents the fact that my mind is repeating itself.

I'm fucked. I've lost the one thing that ever mattered in my life forever.

Post edited at 8:38 am on May 7, 2008 by britishguy

---

Oh, the classic "what if"s. Bloody futile. I'll give you a new "what if" - what if you go and sort yourself out, force yourself to do it, really make a difference and then louise comes back to you?

Two can play at that game.

---

Your first choice, which is the path of least resistance, it to give up. Pull out of everything, and give up- something which I know you have been considering quite seriously. It means you'll stand no chance, and most probably will end up dying. Depending on what your mood is at the moment, you may find this the most pleasurable option. Deep down, however, you know you wont, because such a course of action is pointless, and you and I have already established that when you don't have a target, something to aim for, you tend to list slowly, sinking down into a selfish, controlling world- the thing that drove her away in the first place.

The second, more positive action, is to get on with your life. You're looking for work, you have your role on here again, and perhaps it may be worth finding another new challenge, to drive you. Your actions have already shown that this is the course that you would prefer, and I have to say that to return here, to a place where you have previously had positive links, and people remember you favourably, was nothing short of a touch of genius on your part. You gave yourself an anchor, and a number of ways to slow down any spiral that you may have, because you're not the kind to just abandon your responsibilities. Look how far all this progression has brought you already. You had a conversation with her the other week, and you're actually engaging in normal conversation with others.

I have to confess, if I were Louise's friend, I would tell her to stay away. I think this is a crucial, and honest point. The damage may have already been done. She's been hurt in the past, and she isn't stupid enough to stick around again. You told her at Christmas things were going to change, but that change wasn't sustained, was it. I don't think you should be working with her as your target, rather with as your feelings. Work each day in the target of making the next easier, less stressful. You can't control other people, not completely. But you can control yourself.

-------
'Love is, like, really important. It's good to be loved.
Even if it's only for one night.'

First of all, the title of your topic.  Don't apologize for asking for advice.  Everyone in life has their ups and downs.  You are not exempt.  Just because you are looked up to, and are a leader of this forum doesn't mean that you can't ask for it.  Even if the topic title was originated for "Moderator Discussion", I know a lot of you offer support to each other there as well.  You are important too, Mark.

Okay I stopped up there /\ and read your last post, because it seemed pertinent.

That last phone call (the one you referred to in your last post in this topic) was necessary because it was reality.  It's what she feels.  You can't change that as of now.  It's information.  Not information that you wanted but information none the less.  Now you need to live on with your life based on this information.

First of all.  Her seeing you as dependent on her is never going to help.  Calling her randomly, going out for coffee, or things like that are a bandage.  (A better metaphor being a rug that all the issues are swept under)  Even if she DID do these things, they wouldn't fix the central issue behind your problems.

Trying to control her was a horrible thing to do, I'll just throw that out there.  She is a human being, and not your property.  With out that factor, I would go out on a limb and speculate that you wouldn't be in this situation.

But what's happened has happened.  What's left then?  It's your own choice.  One song I suggest you listen to is Don't go back to rockville, by REM

---

Looking at your watch a third time waiting in the station for the bus
Going to a place that's far, so far away and if that's not enough
Going where nobody says hello, they don't talk to anybody they don't know
You'll wind up in some factory that's full time filth and nowhere left to go
Walk home to an empty house, sit around all by yourself
I know it might sound strange, but I believe
You'll be coming back before too long

(chorus)
Don't go back to Rockville, don't go back to Rockville, don't go back to Rockville
And waste another year

At night I drink myself to sleep and pretend
I don't care that you're not here with me
'Cause it's so much easier to handle
All my problems if I'm too far out to sea
But something better happen soon
Or it's gonna be too late to bring you back

(repeat chorus)

It's not as though I really need you
If you were here I'd only bleed you
But everybody else in town only wants to bring you down and
That's not how it ought to be
Well I know it might sound strange, but I believe
You'll be coming back before too long

---

I was looking at songs and that song reminded me of this post in a very eerie way.  To me it means that things will get worse before they get better and you need to go out and make good for yourself on your own accord in order for happiness to come your way again.

Another thing you should take a gander at are the "5 stages of grief" by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

---

Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

---

Reading your posts from the 30th to the first to the 5th, It seems to me that you are obviously progressing and regressing through the middle 3 without ever really reaching the fifth.  Your post as of a few minutes ago made it seem like you are somewhat calm and very depressed at this point in time.  Well, that fifth stage is only a step away.

Think about it.  You Can't go living your life like this forever.  You will be able to move on, and you will in time.  I suggest going out there and finding some time to occupy your time.  You will dwell on this forever if you sit at home and do nothing.  Find enjoyable work, and tackle it.

Going through some of your other posts, you seem like a really nice, wholesome, person.  You have talents, so get out there and use them.

I really want to get to know you more, so drop me a PM some time when you are feeling up to it, and I hope my post has helped you somewhat.

~Shaun

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