But I'm pretty sure that I have no reason for being here anymore, and I want to end my life very soon. I've thought about it for a few days now; I've cried, I've contemplated, I've slept, and I've cried some more. I can't stand this anymore. Right not I'm more in the planning stage of it all... You see, I'm a wuss, and the only way I could ever see myself taking my own life is through overdose on pills. So that is how I'm going to do it. I almost did it earlier today, but my goodbye note was not satisfactory and I hadn't said goodbye to my boyfriend. The first half of that sentence reminds me of George Carlin, when he discussed suicide... saying that writers could never commit suicide because they would keep having to re-write their final goodbyes. I would have laughed if I wasn't crying so hard at the time. I guess right now I can smirk a little. It kind of feels good to be almost done. Right now I'm incredibly calm, but just a tad bit anxious... I'm waiting for my boyfriend to get online so I can tell him. Yes, I have an online boyfriend. I am incredibly lame, and I already know this.

So, I might as well try and explain why I am ending my life so very early... if anyone bothers to read this. I feel like nothing has ever gone well in my life. I feel like I've had the worst luck, and I've been dealt a horrible hand. So I'm folding.

I'm seventeen years old, and I obviously have quite a case of depression. Uni-polar... I'm not special enough to have extremely uppity manic episodes. My life is just a flat line depressed. I've been unreasonably depressed since third grade, and that marks my end of childhood for me.

On top of that, I have extreme social anxiety. I got this in fifth grade, and I was afraid of going to school each day. Simple things like people greeting me with a simple "Hello", or the dreaded getting up in class to through away a piece of trash, is torture. I simply cannot function in the world, and I will never be happy.

Even as of recently, I've been "turning my life around." So I imagine this will be quite a shock to the people I know... In February, I changed schools. My sophomore year I chose to solve my problems with alcohol. This, of course, affected my school work and family relationships... I also over-ate, and I was over 150 pounds (I am 5'2", so I was a bit overweight). I would emotionally eat by the truckload, and would hide this by eating all at night. It was awful, and I hated myself... Actually, I've hated myself for a while, but anyways... At this time I never thought of dying. Well, I thought of dying all the time, but in a different sense. One of my paranoias at the time was dying, and I was afraid of going to hell since 8th grade when a friend of mine read me Revelations.

But that time has passed, and I am no longer afraid to die. I don't believe in any religion, nor do I believe in a Heaven or Hell. I am Agnostic, so I'm open to the possibility of an afterlife or a higher power of some sort. I actually hope that this isn't the end... because how depressing would that be? I've been thinking lately, and maybe this is a "pre-life" and when we "die" we go on to the actual life. Or maybe we are just one big experiment, and when I end it I will know all of life's answers. I hope I will learn the answers when I die, that is what I really want. That and just being happy, and I know that I will not obtain those two things if I continue my stay on this earth.

But, anyway, so apparently in everyone else's eyes I'm doing fantastic. I just graduated high school a year early, and I've lost over 30 pounds. But I lost that weight by starving myself, and no one else knows that. I replaced my compulsive overeating for good ol' anorexia. But this past week I think I've lost my willpower, which sparked my thoughts of suicide. That and the fact that my mom wants me to get a job, and I cannot do that because I'm too afraid of asking for an application. I have figured that I cannot cope with the simplest of things, and I shouldn't torture myself and keep on living. I would rather end it then live for years and years as a fat, depressed, anxious loser with no friends, dreams, or desires.

The people on this earth that make me sad about leaving is my mother, my brother, my nanny, and my boyfriend. My mom tries her hardest to make me happy, and bless her heart. It's all in my head, and no one can save me for myself. My brother, my sweet, innocent little brother. I try and protect him from my mom and stepdads constant fighting, and I see him hurting. I hope he doesn't turn out like him. My nanny is like my grandma, practically raised me. No one on this earth thinks of me in higher regards then her, and it is destroying me when I think of how this will affect her. My boyfriend is the only person who knows all of my secrets and know me for me. He's trapped in an unhappy marriage, and he thinks he loves me. He might, but I'm sure that he will never get over his first wife and our love is hopeless.

I'm sorry I wrote so much... I'm kind of doubting anyone will really read this at this point. I know that people don't really care about anyone else anymore. I know that people are basically selfish beings. Maybe I'm just writing this for myself. Who knows.

I think, that instead of killing yourself, you should seclude yourself.

By going away from everyone. get a job, to save up for it.

Thats what im doing.

-------
Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep,
Up above in my head, instead of going under.

---

I read it.

I think, that instead of killing yourself, you should seclude yourself.

 
By going away from everyone. get a job, to save up for it.

Thats what im doing.

---

I've already secluded myself from everyone in real life. It doesn't make feel any better. But thank you for your suggestion, and I wish you well.

---

ok hold on dont I not jking y I mean come on I been though a lot of shit and I tried to kill my self it not worth it trust me i seen to many ppl die and I know to many dead ppl plz think about this talk to ppl like me I kinda have the same story

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Maybe it isn't worth it for some people, but I think it's the only way.

I know what it feels like to want to get it all out. To just get it all over. Being happy isn't something I experience a lot of the time, maybe truly a few days a year. I've thought of suicide myself. I'm just too much of a pussy to do that. If you can find the strength then that's more than I can say.

I don't know if I could help you or if anyone can, as you've said people have tried to cheer you up. It's just I can relate, and the thought of someone being like me and me still not being able to help anyone, just adds to it. I hope you find someone that can help. I hope you don't. If you do, though, I hope you find your peace.

-------
A man said to the universe,
"Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the universe,
"The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

---

Quote: from JackieisBlue at 10:47 pm on June 15, 2008

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I read it.  

 I think, that instead of killing yourself, you should seclude yourself.  

 
 By going away from everyone. get a job, to save up for it.  

 Thats what im doing.

---

I've already secluded myself from everyone in real life. It doesn't make feel any better. But thank you for your suggestion, and I wish you well.

---

I wish you well to. And please, if you are going through with this, at least think of what you are leaving behind, as little as that may seem.

-------
Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep,
Up above in my head, instead of going under.

i suppose if someones really decided on ending their life, theres nothing much you can do to stop them.

your social anxiety is something i can relate to. and asking for an application. i always make someone else ask for the application and then get it to me later. =/
social situations are very uncomfortable for me, but
i knew that i couldnt just hide from them always, i mean, interactions are prettymuch necessary for life, arent they?
i used to freak out all the time, i'd hate going to school, and when i'd go i just hoped that nobody would talk to me or bother me or look at me or acknowledge that i was existing. i kept to myself and stayed out of the way.
but you cant stay like that forever.
i took social things in small doses. even just replying to a simple hello or something is a start. then move on up from there, i did that, and now luckily i have a group of friends who i wouldnt trade for anything.
and also
if you say you hate yourself...that doesnt make sense.
you should be in control of who you are. you should be able to make yourself into someone you like.
the only thing keeping you in a depression is yourself, i suppose.

My life went to hell in the 3rd grad to

I felt the same way but I could not tern my back on ppl that I know cared just 3 ppl and I felt like if I did it I be killing a part of my friends if u and ur bf a truly like each other he will be hurting and I know there never a big light at the end of the tunnel but there is one u just got to work at it only thing that dif from me and u is the alcohol abuse that it not eza I know but I mean I have ADHD on top of all that shit and I have to deal with every day I feel nothing no pain I feel no love I feel nothing I felt happy first time in my life 3 days ago after helping a cutter out and getting a friend out of it and it nice to feel that but u got to try im sure u have some friends. I cry my self asleep every night think of the guy that blow his brains out in front of me I freak out a lot I just put my trust in some thing I cant see the lord and it helped me the last 3 mouths of my life


-------
Some people are so afraid do die
that they never begin to live.Henry Van Dyke

---

I would never ever tell anyone to stop their ideas of suicide, as I don't find it as a completely selfish act. I find it as a way of escaping, but I really do understand you. I can't quite function in the world either and I cover that with drugs and fronts and internet boyfriends.

I know what it feels like to want to get it all out. To just get it all over. Being happy isn't something I experience a lot of the time, maybe truly a few days a year. I've thought of suicide myself. I'm just too much of a pussy to do that. If you can find the strength then that's more than I can say.

I don't know if I could help you or if anyone can, as you've said people have tried to cheer you up. It's just I can relate, and the thought of someone being like me and me still not being able to help anyone, just adds to it. I hope you find someone that can help. I hope you don't. If you do, though, I hope you find your peace.

---

Thank you very, very much for this. It's comforting to know that there are people who are feeling similarly, even if that means that they are feeling just as horrible as me. I know that there are so many people that feel worse then me, and have had it worse then me though. But I'm just dealing with it differently.

I hope that your life gets better, and I hope you don't have to life with the unhappiness you feel everyday. No one should have to feel like that. Thank you again.

---

i'm really sorry if anything i post sounds rude,
the last thing i want to do is sound rude.

i suppose if someones really decided on ending their life, theres nothing much you can do to stop them.

your social anxiety is something i can relate to. and asking for an application. i always make someone else ask for the application and then get it to me later. =/
social situations are very uncomfortable for me, but
i knew that i couldnt just hide from them always, i mean, interactions are prettymuch necessary for life, arent they?
i used to freak out all the time, i'd hate going to school, and when i'd go i just hoped that nobody would talk to me or bother me or look at me or acknowledge that i was existing. i kept to myself and stayed out of the way.
but you cant stay like that forever.
i took social things in small doses. even just replying to a simple hello or something is a start. then move on up from there, i did that, and now luckily i have a group of friends who i wouldnt trade for anything.
and also
if you say you hate yourself...that doesnt make sense.
you should be in control of who you are. you should be able to make yourself into someone you like.
the only thing keeping you in a depression is yourself, i suppose.

---

It just gets draining, you know? I just don't think I'm strong enough to deal with it anymore. I'm not tough enough to fight off everything going on in my brain. I feel my willpower fading away.

I tried to be in control of myself that past few months. It was the most in control I've ever felt in my entire life, but I cannot keep up with it anymore and it's just too hard for me. I can't live like this anymore... Or live in general.

this is not me trying to stop u im just prying for u and the ppl u know

Post edited at 11:39 pm on June 15, 2008 by jamesey

-------
Some people are so afraid do die
that they never begin to live.Henry Van Dyke