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first off, yes everyone in my life has betrayed me at some point or another up to this point.
then, about starting over, I'm trying every day to do so, but as you can see from my posts, its not working.

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The important thing is that you are trying, right? That's a really positive and encouraging thing, which I hope you can recognise? Sure, you might not be feeling 100% better right away and you still might be struggling, but you ARE trying which is better than absolutely nothing. You don't get anywhere if you don't try, right? Please don't give up hope, yeah? It's really, really awful that you feel that everyone in your life has betrayed you somehow up until this point, but as I mentioned before, their actions aren't a reflection of how everyone you come across in life will be. You will experience hurt and betrayal again, no doubt - we all do, unfortunately - but as you get out into the world you meet more and more people, and gradually begin to build solid and strong friendships. It takes a lot of hard time and work, and a lot of loneliness, perhaps, along the way, but it IS possible for you to to trust people again.

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...I almost can't wait to get of this preparatory school (high school) and meet these new people, maybe they'll be better, who knows. But I'll never reach that point if I go through with suicide, which might happen when I hit an intense low point..sooner or later..., and no one will be there  to talk, help me feel better, nothing and I will die by my own hands.

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Is there anything at all that helps you when you hit these intense low points? Getting out of your house, away from anywhere that brings back memories of betrayal or hurt or anything like that? It really is so sad to hear that you don't think anyone where you are will listen to you, so all I ask is that you please, please keep trying. Keep plodding on. Why? Well, for the day you do get out of highschool and start moving on with your life. For the hopes and beliefs of the possibilities that lie outside school - college, if that's what you want, work, your own home, and maybe, just maybe, the possibility of meeting good people. You have control over your life, sure, but you can also make the decision to stick it out. In the hope that it might just get better one day. You're not going to be stuck in this rut forever, you're not going to be stuck in highschool forever. Eventually you'll be out of there, living where you want and, hopefully, doing what you want. Isn't that something to look forward to?

Do you know what I honestly think? You mentioned that you're still looking for a way out. Well, honestly, I don't think looking for a way out or trying to escape all the pain you're feeling is going to help you. At all. It hasn't so far, has it? I honestly believe that you have to deal with all of this head on. Not right away, if you don't feel that you could do so right now, but eventually. Eventually you'll have to think about everything that's happened in your past, face it, confront it, think about it, accept it happened and forgive the people who hurt you. That's one way to get rid of this anger and really start moving on with your life. It helped me enormously, and I know it's helped others. You don't have to do that if you don't want, but I have a feeling that if you keep trying to run and hide from it all - not actually facing it - then you're future is going to be filled with this anger and bitterness.

It's up to you. You don't have to do that right away or whatever, but eventually I DO think you'll have to face up to whatever has happened and try forgiving those who have hurt you. Yes, I understand how incredibly difficult it is, but holding onto your anger and bitterness is only causing you more pain, I believe. You also mentioned that the anger is the only thing keeping you alive at the minute, but I don't think that's perhaps quite so true. Perhaps you're just so overwhelmed with anger that you don't recognise any other feelings you DO have, or you're focusing so much on the anger that you're not letting yourself feel any more. I don't know. You know yourself better than I do, of course, and these are just my musings and insights to what I've read from you.

All I can ask is that you keep plodding on. In the hope that life CAN get better. And when no one else will listen to you or you need to rant and rave but you've nowhere to do it in "real life" then you can always, always come here. Feel free to PM me absolutely any time, too, yeah? Take care of yourself.

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the summer sun
it blows my mind
it's falling down on all that i've ever known,
time to kiss the world goodbye