Self-destructive behavior:
I have become a bit of a self-destructive person. I am in a selective college, and will be at an even more selective university (when and if financial stuff clears up) by this fall. I got pretty good grades and SAT scores and did a lot of extracurricular stuff in high school, so lack of capability is not the issue. I have so much work to do, yet, I avoid it, I do it foolishly and last-minute, often partially, or I don't do it at all. I'm behind on readings, essays, simple responses to readings, and even though I should be working in a more focused and quick way, I am not, and I don't know why. It's really sad because everything I have done to this point tells me I am capable of the work, but now that I am not putting the work in, my grades are slipping, and my GPA for the year will not reflect my potential. It's so, so sad that I see this problem but cannot fix it and I pride myself (or at least I used to pride myself) on being a hardworking, intelligent guy.

My self-destructive behavior is not just limited to my academic life, but also to my health. I could really stand to lose fifteen to twenty pounds, and I have gained 13 pounds this year. I know how to lose weight because I weighed more than I did now three years ago and got into a healthy lifestyle that paid off. But now I binge a lot, don't drink enough water and don't work out when I should, and summer (when I would like to be able to go bare above the waist without feeling insecure) is rapidly approaching.

Negative overactive imagination:
I make up scenarios in my head about negative events; this happens quite a bit. Sometimes I'm walking on campus alone and I just imagine little storylines. For example, my whole family dies, I have a multi-person funeral/concert with a certain musician playing an emotional song, and then I get adopted by a richer family or I move out on my own, or,...or,,...and it goes on and on. Sometimes I just imagine a police officer or government agent coming into my literature classroom to tell me my father has died or has been kidnapped or is actually a terrorist. And sometimes, I imagine that my father has killed my mother, and that my life has been screwed up as a result, or that my siblings only have died and my mother has gone mad because of it while my father is happy about it all. Isn't this horrible? When I'm with others, they would never realize this, because I only outwardly show these emotions when I am alone.

I'm so fucking nutty! It's the worst thing to know you have problems and to want to fix them but to trapped. And scarier still is the notion that because my manner of self-reflection, like my other mental patterns, is a product of my environment and my history, that I might not really be able to break out of my bad habits even though I can see them (precisely because they are also part of myself and products of my environment and history).

I just want to be a better person.

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"If god hates anyone based on what they prefer...
then god himself is a loser.... and should GTFO...." - ijustdontknow