a letter -- LiveWire Teen Forums

i get this email

I don't know what I want, Ryan. I absolutely wish I did, but I have no idea. Although I don't know what I want or what I will want in the future I do know that I love you and I always will. Besides that all I know is right now I need to just do my own thing and hopefully I'll figure it out or hopefully things will just...happen. I hate being completely clueless and mixed up but that's definitely what I am right now. I never wanted to hurt you...that's the last thing I've ever wanted. But, if you ever need to talk to someone I'm always here. I want you to be happy because that's what you deserve. Life's shitty a lot of the time, but things always look up, Ryan.

so i respond with

you'll never want anything to do with me, will you? i can't have this. i can't, because i know i never will... which is what it sounds like you're saying to me. i'm just so hurt by you. so fucking hurt. you never openely talk to me anymore, you don't return any of my messages, and when you do, they're never what i want to talk about. i can't get through to you. you shut everything/one out so much just so you won't get hurt. as selfless as you may feel, it's very selfish. you may not know whenever you'll come out of your shell, but you give everyone else a bigger chance than me. i'll never see you, or get to spend time with you, yet you still have the nerve to say you love me. that's what hurts the most, because i won't ever be able to love you back, because you'll never let me close enough, ashley... but i guess this all goes to show to how important i really am to you. i just wish you'd listen to me, or get through to you. me of all people. it hurts so much, ashley. i don't even know what i'm doing, but i can't hurt like this anymore. i can't keep hoping that someday you'll stop being so fucking afraid and stupid that you'll live through a few moments of akwardness like you would for anyone else. youi can't keep shutting me out.

so now, i'm just not going to let you. if i've been this way for so long, i don't ever see it getting any better.

no matter how long i'll wait for you, you'll never come.

so fine. have fun with your life, and sitting around just waiting for something to happen in your life. just some advice though, it'll never happen, unless you make it happen. if it were me, i would. i would do the one thing i've always wanted to do, but i don't have that opportunity and never will.

tonight, i'm deleting my email account... along with all of the emails i still have from you. so many letters saying how much you care, and how you want to be with me, so many letters saying, 'sorry, that's just the way i am. you have to deal with it.'

i can't hurt like this anymore, ashley. i can't.

i'm sure you, in your giant iron fortess, will block this out too.

goodbye.

and now, after that email, i'm going to go jump off of something high... because it sounds oh so very appealing.

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